Grading My Life

I have been working in the education field for over 10 years. In these ten years I have gained so much experience as well as the personal satisfaction that comes with helping students achieve their goals. The proud achievements of my students is something that I celebrate with other co-workers and of course the students and their families. This quarter I received a thank you from a student who wanted me to know that she couldn’t have done it without my help. This thank you got me thinking about myself and my life. I was able to help a student reach her goals and get her self-esteem up in a couple of months, and yet in my own personal life I was letting myself down each day. If my life were to be scored with a grade, I don’t believe I would be celebrating.

The question is can I somehow push myself like I do with my students? I never really have, if I’m honest. Of course I know how to set goals but that’s it really. The truth is all the words and energy I put into my students to get them to succeed is lost when it comes to me. In a sense I am the most challenging student I have ever come across. I’m the kind of student that helps everyone around them while their project never gets started. The kind of student who needs to be pushed to produce any work. So what if I applied the same techniques I use with students to myself? What if I kept a close eye on myself to keep from failing over and over again? I have a sneaky suspicion there will be rebellion and conflict on my part. I can almost see myself ruining any plans set out for me. So perhaps I should set up consequences for myself like I do with my students?

I know it sounds silly. It sounds silly to take myself back to school at my age. To set consequences for myself sounds a bit crazy right? But what if it works? What if the person that can help me is the Teacher's side of me? I don’t want to toot my own horn but I am pretty good at helping others achieve their goals. I have noticed lately that when I am talking to a student and explaining to them how important it is to love and respect themselves I feel a pang of guilt because I am not taking my own advice, I feel a bit like an imposter. I also feel this way after reading all the self-help books in my library and watching youtube videos about self-improvement. Why do I push my students to reach their goals at school? So they can feel confident and happy. Why should I push myself to reach goals in my life? So I can feel confident and happy. There’s no going around it, my answer is there in front of my face.

Summer break is coming up, it's practically here! I have one month to make a plan for myself. I have one month to convince myself to stick to the plan. Deep in myself I know I am more afraid of being successful than failing, which is where my problem lies. I am comfortable with failing, I am comfortable being close enough but not totally there. I have to push myself to be the opposite of this. I want to celebrate my accomplishments along with my students and feel the way I want them to feel everyday. I have one month to plan and a whole summer to see if I can make some kind of change. Wish me luck!