Did My Therapist Just Tell Me I'm Nuts?

My therapist stared at the skintight blue jeans I was wearing. “No need to wonder why you’re here,” she said. “I can clearly see your nuts.”

“Hey, Doc!” I protested. “I’m the one with the joke problem, remember?”

She opened her notebook. “Let’s explore your use of humour as a deflection strategy. What’s your favourite type of comedy?”

“I love self-deprecating one-liners, but I’m not very good at them.”

“Anything else?”

“I’m partial to a double-entendre.”

“Could you give me an example?”

“I’d love to give you one!”

“What kind of jokes don’t you like?”

“Jokes about ceilings. They go right over my head.”

She rose from her seat. “Do you mind if I write some of this on the whiteboard?”

“Not at all. I love whiteboards. They're remarkable.”

Self-esteem

She wrote the word ‘Issues’ on the board. “I think you’re using humour to hide your low self-esteem. Tell me about the times when your self-confidence has been shaken.”

“Well, I went to the clinic to ask about a vasectomy. The doctor said, ‘Don’t be silly. With your face and personality, why would you need one?’ Is that the sort of thing you mean?”

“Yes, very good. What else?”

“My adult son accused me of being immature. Me! The father who raised him!”

“That must’ve hurt. What did you say?”

“I told him straight, ‘Put my soldiers down and get out of the fort right now!’”

“Has your partner been supportive?”

“Well, when I told her she needed to embrace her mistakes, she gave me a big hug.”

“You mentioned your gambling problem last session. How much has that driven your family apart?”

“On the contrary, it’s brought us closer together. We had to move to a smaller house.”

“And what about your imposter syndrome? You said you’d joined a support group for that?”

“I did, but I stopped going to meetings. I felt a bit of a fraud for attending.”

Fears

The therapist turned a page in her notebook. “Do you suffer from any irrational fears or phobias?”

“I used to be petrified of buffet food.”

“Did you get professional assistance?”

“No, I just helped myself.”

“Are you afraid of death? What would you do if someone close to you died?”

“I’d move seats immediately.”

“Have you any other fears?”

“I’m frightened of random letters.”

“Are you?”

“Stop it, Doc!

“OK, I see.”

“Stop it or I’m walking!” I yelled.

Questions

“Take deep breaths and calm yourself,” she said. “I have a few more questions. What does your partner do for a living?”

“It’s difficult to say.”

“Why?”

“She sells seashells on the seashore.”

“You’ve been with her for many years, but you’ve never married. I’d say that shows a fear of commitment. Do you agree?”

“I can’t say I do,” I replied.

“It’s also my guess that you have difficulty expressing your emotions.”

“I can’t say I’m surprised.”

“For example, and since we’re talking about your partner, have you ever bought her flowers?”

“Hell, I didn’t even know she sold flowers!”

Communication

"You strike me as a very dissatisfied individual. Is that a fair description?”

“Do you know, I don’t think I’ll ever feel content about anything. And I’m okay with that.”

"Do you find it easy to communicate with others?”

“Sometimes I think I'm talking in a language that no one else understands.”

“I haven’t a clue what that means,” she said. “Do you think you’re someone who needs constant reassurance?”

“Sure, but I’m getting better at that. Aren’t I, Doc? Aren’t I getting better at that?”

“No, but your trust issues are certainly improving.”

“I don’t believe that crap for a second!”

“You need to deal with that anger or it will eat you up! Can I suggest you write letters to the people you hate and burn them later?”

“Interesting suggestion, Doc, but isn’t burning people against the law?”

The therapist closed her book. “That’s our time done for today. Do you think these sessions are doing you any good?”

“Well,” I said, “Last week I felt like I was standing on a cliff edge. And when the session had ended, it was like I’d taken a giant step forward.”

She smiled. “Always the joker, always wanting to be liked. I think that instinct has made you too much of a people-pleaser. Can we start with that next week?”

“Sure, Doc,” I said. “Whatever makes you happy.”