If I Wrote a Poem

If I wrote you poetry,

would I hear it in the whisper of the wind

or in the echo of my shadow,

.

If I wrote me a poem

would it bring me comfort

or shame disguised as guilt,

.

If I wrote a poem for you

I would scream it at the top of mountains,

louder than the howling winds that whip around me,

.

If I wrote a poem for you

I would tell you everything I couldn’t have said

shouldn’t have said

never found the voice to say,

.

If I wrote you a poem

I’d tell you that I know you tried.

.

I know you wanted to be better

I’m sorry you’re willing to put your own stuff aside

your pride, your ego

I tell you thank you, because I know

that you still helped and I’m sorry

that it just stopped working

.

if I wrote us a poem,

it would be a jumble of multiple versions

trying to define us in all the uses in my life,

.

How do you even define a poem or the journey to heal

through grief and pain and trauma and disappointments,

how would I even begin to explain what a poem about us could be

.

If I wrote you a poem, I’d ask why we don’t communicate more

what’s blocking our connection

am I still not enough?

.

If I wrote me a poem

I’d sit crisscross legged in front of me

something I don’t do, maybe

that’s the reason I haven’t been writing poetry cause it’s not something I want to do

but I want to connect

I want to find that space where it’s more than just coexistence,

.

At the least

I want to feel my own skin

and thank every hair

all the fuzz

all the buzz

for always being there,

.

But for now,

if I wrote a poem

I’d call it trying

call it first step

I’m working on the rest.