I Don't Care

"I try more and more to be myself, caring relatively little whether people approve or disapprove." - Vincent van Gogh

I have struggled for the majority of my life with mental health problems without getting a proper diagnosis. I have only seen a therapist three times, not without trying to get more in. I would like to talk to someone I do not know about my struggles. I want outside input. An unbiased opinion on what is going through my mind most days. It's hard to do. I want to understand why I am the way I am, trying to discover and repair over time. Most of it, I have done alone. Learning, growing, developing, trying to break habits, especially those that are not healthy.

I used to be happy and kind all of the time. I used to not care what other people thought of me. Every day, I strive to become a new me with the hints and carelessness of opinions that I used to have. Every single day, I struggle with everything. This last weekend, I went to work to test out a new branch to determine if I want to move there. Of course, I figured out I want to transfer to them, but not without doing little things that made me come to this point of intense overthinking. Did I make myself look like an idiot? Was I rude or disrespectful at some points? How many times did I do something that was dumb, but it couldn't be helped? Did I say anything that made me seem like I didn't know what I was doing or that I was being annoying?

I have answers for all these questions, pounding through my mind beat after beat. Every moment, there is one after the other, just unnecessary, intrusive, degrading thoughts. I was up late last night researching techniques that could help me break out of the mind I am stuck in. Why am I constantly thinking of things that I can't change, and no one has likely noticed or is dwelling on it? The likelihood that I am the only person thinking about it is accurate. I am trying to change that. It took me four years with the branch I am still a part of to stop doing that as excessively. Maybe it's because I barely know the people I was working with all weekend. I have only spoken to one of them consistently for the past two months, specifically the one who would be my supervisor. He's the one who asked me to transfer after meeting me through a couple of trainings I had to travel for.

He wasn't the only one since several have asked me to transfer to them. They need people under them; where I am now, there is an excess of us. So, why am I beating myself up over the most minuscule things? No one likely cared or noticed because no one said anything to me. No one. Maybe they think I'm quirky. I mean, they're not wrong. I guess all of the years of being bullied (jokingly) by my family really did a number on my mental health (and the jokes aren't even the worst of it). Being called stupid and ugly most of my life by my older siblings. I know they were kidding, but it still hit really hard. It took me agreeing with a joke about me being ugly that my brother realized they needed to stop because it wasn't funny anymore. That brother is one of my best friends now, even though we rarely talk. We both have our own lives. However, I feel like I am barely living mine.

How did I get to such a low point? I was doing fine a week ago. I use the term fine loosely, of course, but I wasn't in my head so badly. Now, I feel like I can't escape the personal abuse I am putting myself through. And I don't know who to talk to about. My family will tell me to suck it up, I don't have any friends to talk to, and I can't financially afford therapy. What am I supposed to do?