Life is easy sometimes

I once turned around after getting off a lover’s car, dragging my suitcase and everything, just to kiss him one more time. Some part of me must’ve known that we wouldn’t be together again.

I couldn’t know a pandemic would start, that I would become a whole different person and he would find a girlfriend…but I did know I wanted to thank him for the luminous times I spent in his house, and in his arms, just feeling normal for few glorious hours at a time.

See, I really don't mind being the odd one out.

That said, there's something relaxing about living a quiet life sometimes, even more so after coming out of a 9 year of relationship that ranged between boring and abusive.

When I went to visit James in his apartment in the Midlands, I was offered a few days in the protection of his beautiful presence: he would go to work while I worked on my laptop and played with the cat, or explored the small town. Then he would come home and take a bath, while I sat next to the tub with a beer, just chatting with him. And one of us would cook something special, while the other was just hanging out listening to music. There were hugs, top of the head kisses, and my mind was silent.

It rarely is, but I didn't hear from my demons, not once. Not even the ones I had already made friends with.

We both knew that I would eventually grow tired of being “normal” if we pushed that too far. Boredom attacks me like that black slimy thing in Spiderman's movies. It possesses me, and then I must create something, or be somewhere.

We both knew he wasn’t interested in my rabbit holes about the Universe more than I was interested in football.

But we also knew we had found each other to mend some wounds that we would never openly talk about, at least not among ourselves.

So, yes, I looked awkward dragging my suitcase back on that rattly little road, opening his car door, and sitting on his lap while he was checking the lottery results.

I think he might even have found it slightly annoying.

But I will never have to crave that kiss.

And especially, I will never have to wonder if that life is for me.

I could've been precious about it, told him to meet me in London if he wanted to see me, but I am grateful that I decided to take a dip in his world.

When we talk now, we chat about his cat and my weirdness and the fact that using aubergine emojis for sexting made aubergines forever funny. And all is well.

Life is such a seductress that way. Sometimes it’s just difficult and there’s no way around it, just gotta feel the way through. Other times it’s really easy, and the only thing to do is take the risk of looking stupid, trying something different, and see where it goes. And the little things oftentimes are just huge metaphors for the deep, glorious ones.

A more accessible code to crack before you encounter the big adventure.

There is often an "if" to stop us from doing that nowadays.

What if I fuck up.

What if I fall in love.

What if I find out that it wasn't the right decision, or I don't know what to do with what's given to me.

But I invite you to consider who taught you to think that way: were they happy, fulfilled people? Were they in love?

People who are actually enjoying their life will usually tell you to just get out there and give it your best shot.