Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'Necrosis' (2009)

SPOILERS!!!

Oh yeah, it's that bad. We're starting with the spoilers. Now, to be fair, it is Good-Bad or "So Bad It's Good." In fact, this was the movie I was promised when I originally heard reviews about The Sand (2015). That movie was actually unfairly maligned, because, yeah it was low budget, yeah it had bad acting, yeah it had shit CGI, but for the most part it was good enough for horror, and even pretty smart. This movie is what I expect when people say "So Bad It's Good." So if you're looking for good riffing material, watch this, not The Sand. The Sand isn't actually all that bad.

I mean, it's like they were shooting a bad soap opera. Jerry is an Alcoholic, his wife Samantha is pregnant, but their marriage is too strained so she won't tell him. Samantha is totally thinking about cheating on Jerry with Michael. Then there's the most plastic sexual tension I have ever seen between Mat and Megan. They have abso-fucking-lutely NO chemistry, but they keep going with it. And every scene you wanna be like, "Just fuck and get it over with." This is a bad horror movie! Show us some tiddies already. They do, but it's weird how they get there and for some reason they never go back.

The whole tone of the movie can be spelled out in a scene that takes place around the 15 minute mark. Samantha inexplicably goes tumbling down a slight hill, and I mean nearly flat land, and somehow ends up buried waste deep in snow. Like... fucking how? It's not like she slipped down a mountainside, it was a slight incline. And I mean she goes tumbling sideways. And that's another thing, if she was tumbling sideways, how the fuck did she end up buried up to her waste? And the funniest damn part (because at this point me and my wife were laughing hysterically) was that the rest of the characters treat it like she's dangling over a cliff. She's waist-deep in snow. There is nothing life threatening about this. It's an embarrassing story to tell your chums, at best. But they all treat it like Michael just saved her fucking life. The good thing about this scene is that it sets you up for what you're expecting to get. It's like the horror trope 'A Meteor Lands.' Once that happens, you know the movie is about to be extremely fucking silly

And what the fuck was the director's obsession with the god damn Generator. I sware, half the fucking movie is two characters trying to restart the generator where nothing the fuck else happens.

So, the whole premise is that the land this winter cabin is on was the sight of the Donner Party incident. The ghosts have started a cycle of killing off people every 20 to 25 years at the cabin. So, here I am expecting cannibal ghosts, or zombies, or ghosts possessing people and turning them into cannibals; something to do with cannibalism. Fucking NOPE! Hell, the first two victims INEXPLICABLY die by freezing to death. We don't even get to watch them die, we just discover their frozen corpses.

So what actually happens? Jerry loses his mind and shoots a couple people. That's just kinda lame. Instead, he should have gone full on ax-wielding psycho before eating the corpses. Like, how fucking cool would it be if Jerry found out about his unborn child, cut it out of Samantha, and fucking ate it like in the movie Anthropophagus (1980). Like, the survivor could have gotten a necrotic injury from all the blood contamination and then the movie title would have made sense. Like, seriously. Jerry shoots Mat in the back with a shotgun and SOME-FUCKING-HOW, he survives it, so why not make that a whole thing?

At least they didn't just kill off the only minority in the movie. Jerry is actually central cast as he's the one who goes crazy and kills two people. It's nice, because usually, the only Asian guy in the movie dies first. Sure, he's the villain, but at least he gets full-screen time and dialog. It's a good thing too, because he's the only halfway decent actor in the whole fucking movie. I mean the acting is porno bad. If there were more tiddies, this could be a single X porn.

So, to recap, I do not recommend this Dais of Our Lives knockoff with horror themes, unless you fully intend to riff it. Seriously, Riffers only. It's fucking great for that, at least.