Porcelain doll

“Had I known” these words left my mother’s lips as she lay lifeless on our armchair. I was six then and the only thing I really did understand was the ABC’s we were taught at school. “Amaka”mummy called my name looking all sober “get me water”.

I’m twenty seven now, I’m sitting in my car,head hurts chest burns as i rumage the area i am parked. “Amaka!” I see Alicia faintly and all jumpy running towards me “i got the pizza” she opens the passenger’s seat with the sheepish smile of a two year old. Silence “Amakaaaa...” she made my name slippery. “Are you still thinking about him?” Silence “this man killed your mother and you want him to kill you too?”she was patting me now. “Alicia” I turned fully adjusting to her frame my eyes bleeding tears “all these years of having no one having to strive, you think maybe life could give a reasonable excuse but no it turns out you weren’t just as important and you’re telling me not to think?...ehn Tolani?” I called her that name when I needed to reset her thought pattern.”Amakaa” she said again as if her senses did wake up, she rubbed my back.

I had scurried to get the water, i was young but had studied my mother enough to know she liked her water a little around 40 degrees, i slammed the fridge shut, ran into the kitchen grabbed a glass and poured the water into the cup my small shaky hands made everywhere messy. I returned like lightening to where my mother lay and place the water down before her. It was the year 1998, March 21st my seventh birthday, Mummy had promised to buy me a porcelain doll after much persistence from me ...she said if i got it on my big day i will take care of it well but her mood wasn’t right so I didn’t ask “Mummy!” I tapped her, she didn’t respond.

“Remember you love pizza, this one is pepperoni oo”Alicia snapped me out of my reminiscing hitting me with the pizza box and oh boy did my obsession return, I jumped in the back seat of the car while Alicia got in the driver’s seat. I towered two slices of pizza and took a bite,nothing tasted better.

It was a quater after three when we arrived at my apartment, I was bloated from pizza and Alicia was exhausted from telling me i was going to fall sick if i kept eating while we offloaded but that’s just Alicia, she always played the mummy card.

“Mummy Mummy Mummy!”my voice was loud this time, i was shaking her hand “Mummy this is the water, Mummy it’s cold” she didn’t move. I ran outside, thankfully Mrs Alao our neighbour was running towards our house perhaps she heard my shouts “Amaka amaka”she was panting asking questions with her eyes, my lips were numb so i just pointed. She dashed for the chair “Mummy Amaka” she shook her nothing.

She ran out again, this time shouting “helpppp” a few older neighbours, her husband ran too they carried mummy and put her in Mr Alao’s car and drove off. I could see Mr Alao’s children from their house peeping Mrs Ajao had said before leaving that I should go over and play with them but a girl wasn’t too young to know something was wrong with her mother so i stayed waiting.My eyes strolled to where Mummy’s bag stayed on the floor, they was a card peeping out of the bag and so my curiousity got the best of me. I let it freely and carefully out of the bag, it was a greeting card with happy birthday in the most beautiful fonts preceeding it’s remaining contents but before I could read it something else caught the whole of my focus. Blonde strands of hair i pulled it out in no time my porcelain doll, i looked back at the card turning it over “To my beautiful daughter” it read, She remembered.

I sit in my room, blanket wrapped around me, Alicia was right i was really getting sick from the pizza, I look over at the corner and i can still see the words “To my dearest daughter” i had kept everything from that day , the doll included, they dwelt on the stool in the corner of the room. I examine Sorrow quite well her blue eyes kept judging me, the way it did years ago as a little girl, most of her strands had fallen off never taught i could see old age on something without life, but sorrow and i had been through it.

My mother was pronounced dead and her people came around, people i had never seen all my life, self-claimed apprentices and friends who couldn’t save her from her loneliness before it took her life?...i spent most of those days being irritable and most especially broken as the one person i really wanted to see I never saw, it was later brought to us that news has it he died in a car accident not long after “traveling” as my mother had said.

A few months later Mrs Alao had adopted unofficially as one of hers she said she couldn’t leave me to the self claimed friends at my mother’s burial, my mother had been so nice to her and this was the little she could do to pay her back ‘raise me’. “Amaka, you should eat your food” Mr Alao noticed at dinner that evening, everyone was halfway done Bolatito included the youngest and I hadn’t picked up my spoon i was stroking the doll’s hair that lay in my lap. No response. “Let me handle that dear” Mrs Alao whispers to her husband, “look at that beautiful doll,very pretty” “Mummy got it for you?” I nod “Oh!wow” she said as if impressed “What do we name her?” “Sorrow” I look at her blandly “that’s her name Sorrow” i clarified. I picked up my spoon and shoved food in my mouth and everyone did the same except Mrs Alao who burst out crying followed by her husband.